The Diary of A Missionary

It is important to say that the purpose of this post or this blog truly is not found in myself, but the purpose of this post and blog is to draw attention to someone so, so, so much greater than all that I am...

My hope is that the following words speaks and finds You

May we not fear vulnerability ... Wherever we are, near or far, may dark eyes look to You. May heavy hearts rest easy.

... This world cannot be our home ... This world cannot be our home.

A couple of nights ago I found myself doing what I often find myself doing since moving from South Carolina to Michigan a year ago... I find myself walking miles alongside sidewalks, with no knowledge of where I am walking or for how long I will walk.

I know that it might sound kinda weird, but hear me out! I truly don't think I'm the only one who sometimes walks aimlessly down sidewalks... Well, then again stranger things have happened  ;)

But anyways, when I do walk..? ... I find myself listening to music, praying, and meditating on different things that has occurred or is occurring in my life so far. I find that this world can truly be as big or as small as we make it...

It's truly crazy thinking back to this month last year.

This month last year the blog that you are now reading was reopened after four years of inactivity! Goodness Lord, no imagination could have imagined where I would be 12 months later.

I have been thinking a lot about recently:

• How much things can change in a year

• How many memories that is made in a year

• How many people one will meet in a year...

And I am truly overwhelmed and in awe! If I had to sum up the greatest thing that You've been teaching me in a year..? I would hands down say, I am learning:

Our Creator, Sustainer, and Savior truly knows us better than we will ever or can ever know ourselves.

Whether I am aimlessly driving through Canada and staying at a random bed and breakfast for the night, or walking over interstates and through random neighborhoods, You truly do know me regardless if I know me!

I truly find my heart being overwhelmed throughout this year and I am discovering so much about the worry, fears, dreams, hurts, longings, and anxieties of not only myself, but countless others as well!

We all sometimes feel as if we are aimlessly walking through life... From strangers, to friends, And from family, to my reflection in the mirror, I am discovering that we ALL have worries and longings and questions. We all at one time or another feel heavy longings for something... more. Lord, I feel as if You made our hearts and minds disproportional to what You show us on a daily basis!

Only You truly know my heart, and You are daily reminding me more and more how You truly are "sufficient in our weakness" (2 Corinthians 12:9), how Your "steadfast love never ceases", Your "mercies never come to an end", Your mercies "are new every morning", and just how "great is Your faithfulness" (Lamentations 3:22-23).

I don't have everything figured out, nor do I have all the answers to every question, but Father You do! And You have given me hope when I've had none, given joy when there was nothing but sorrow, and lavished laughter even when I feel out-of-place walking down the random sidewalks near the passing cars of souls under the blanket of dim street lamps ...

You are all that matters. Jesus, You really are all that matters.

Goodness, it's so easy to get so wrapped in the unknown sidewalks, haunting questions, heavy longings, and real fears around us that we forget that all is known to You! ALL is known! You know it all!! All of our worries, fears, scars, hurts, longings, confessions, questions, desires, growing pains, insecurities, broken dreams, inefficiencies, quirks, You know it all!!.. and You know us (Psalm 139).

O Lord, You have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; You discern my thoughts from afar. You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways. Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, You know it altogether. You hem me in behind and before, and You lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain! Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?"

- Psalm 139: 5-7

Why does my soul hurt when I walk by dark houses Father? Why does it hurt when I see myself or others miss the point of all this life?

What are we searching for here? What am I searching for when I walk or drive aimlessly?

I feel like an alien trapped in the shell of a normal 23-year-old man ...

... And this world cannot be my home.... This world cannot be my home!

"Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things."

- Colossians 3:2

Goodness Lord, You are so right...

Forgive us when we care about everything else on this earth
and forget that this is not our home, In You alone we find rest!
Our wandering souls find our home in YOU

Jesus, I'm truly nothing without You! You see us all so differently than how this world sees things, Earthly status or titles truly don't mean a thing to You! You don't see a missionary, a sinner, a young man, or a brokenhearted wanderer walking aimlessly down random sidewalks when You see me ... You see an adopted son surrendered to You! Jesus, You see Your Spirit when You see me.

"I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me."

-Galatians 2:20 

We are all missionaries...

... Every single one of us.

We either proclaim freedom that You bring Jesus,

Or we declare that freedom is found in self...

and I'm truly in awe of what depths we are capable of when we rely on ourselves.

... Father, help us not miss it.

Help us not miss the fact that we exist to know You and be known by You.

Help us not miss the fact that we exist to show others just how much You desire to know us and desire for us to be known by You!

Standing in awe, may we hear what You say

For we are at peace, we are Your people, we are Your saints

Help our hearts not turn back to lesser loves

Your Salvation thrives when to Your cross we run

Come Lord Jesus

Come.

May we not be afraid to give up our timings, expectations, fears, questions, and hurts to the only One that our souls find rest in. Through known or unknown? May we learn to embrace all that we are while leaning into Who makes us whole.

May we not fear vulnerability...
Wherever we are, Near or far,
May dark eyes look to You
May heavy hearts rest easy in You, Jesus.

- J 

"Hello maker of the moon, Your creation has inspired my every move..." Lyrics: Here