The Lord is Working on Me...
Lord I must be honest with you... There is still one thing that I continue to allow to haunt me. Lord I know that you already know... But it's better to be completely open and honest. Before I talk about that though, let's go back to the beginning. Since you came into my life last year... I have been truly given a new body, new eyes, new mind, Lord I have truly been born again! You have helped me over wave after wave of heartache Lord. You have given me peace at the times where I've felt none. There is no doubt that it was you Lord... No doubt at all. For that reason, this is why I dedicated my life to your will. Lord I am honestly humbled at your presence and it seems like no one understands. My friends, my family, no one truly understands how you truly saved me... Lord you saved me when I felt no reason to save myself. It's hard to say it Lord... But I... The person who always has a smile on his face... Felt like the purpose of my life was running out...
On that night in June, Lord I was a wreck... And you know this. Lord EVERYTHING was falling around me, everything. I remember those tears so well... And even as I write this, it is hard not to be saddened. On the night I was broken and beat so bad. I will never forget... Around midnight... Yelling with all my lungs, Jesus! Take this away from me! Please Jesus!
It's crazy that whenever we as humans are low... We call out your name. Even those who don't believe in you call out your name. Why is this? Lord... The reason is that there is power to your name. On that night in June, I felt that power... And I got out of the bed immediately falling to my knees.
As I was one my knees I remembered shaking and breathing uncontrollably. All my life I heard of stories like this and I would always laugh... I'm such a fool because of that. In that moment I yelled and repeated to you.
I remember the prayer of the prophet Jonah I remember this prayer helped me through so much around this time, it was Jonah's prayer from inside the fish in the bible. In the passage Jonah prayed to the Lord his God. He said:
"In my distress I called to the Lord, and he answered me. From deep in the realm of the dead I called for help, and you listened to my cry. You hurled me into the depths, into the very heart of the seas, and the currents swirled about me; all your waves and breakers swept over me. I said, 'I have been banished from your sight; yet I will look again toward your holy temple.' The engulfing waters threatened me, the deep surrounded me; seaweed was wrapped around my head. To the roots of the mountains I sank down; the earth beneath barred me in forever. But you, Lord my God, brought my life up from the pit. "When my life was ebbing away, I remembered you, Lord, and my prayer rose to you, to your holy temple. "Those who cling to worthless idols turn away from God's love for them. But I, with shouts of grateful praise, will sacrifice to you. What I have vowed I will make good. I will say, 'Salvation comes from the Lord.'" And the Lord commanded the fish, and it vomited Jonah onto dry land. -Jonah 2:1-10
Lord that wasn't the only time I felt your hand... Lord in a short period of time, you completely transformed me.
I remember the next day at school I felt so weird. I felt a burning desire for you... And Lord you and I both know... Up to that point, I NEVER had one for you. I found myself praying to you CONSTANTLY that day... This is something that has carried with me... Even today.
Lord, many do not understand this change in me and to be honest... I don't completely understand myself. Lord why me? Why have you blessed me so much?
That summer Lord I realized what happened that night in June... I realized that I asked you to come into my life. The night I was born again... And literally I was born again. I have a thirst and hunger for your word. My ears seek your worship. My eyes sees the hurt and brokenness of the world. I can't explain how truly new I feel Lord. You haven given me new life.
It just so happened that I had many many trips planned that summer... Not trips with tons of others, more like trips where I had time to be alone. I traveled the United States... From Florida to Kansas City. Lord you even had a job planned for me that summer... A Job that taught me so much about life. Through many hard and amazing times that summer, I was being prepared for something and this I can see now. You used that summer to give me opportunities to find myself, and to also find your blessings. I grew spiritually so much... So fast! But through it all... most importantly that summer, you revealed your plan and purpose for me... To enter into the ministry
Lord honestly... I was TERRIFIED! Me... Ministry? Lord I know I've given my life to you, but me? The more I thought about it, the more I got sick in my stomach for I felt like I was going crazy!
I remember it was a couple months after this, for the first time... I felt a pull. A close friend looked to me and said, Jonah... I think the Lord wants you to become a Youth Minister. From that week on, Lord you attacked my heart. You overwhelmed me... I felt your hand on me again. I remember as I laid in my bed, in a one person dorm room at Coastal Carolina... I remember hearing your voice call to me, quiet, and calm me.
Quickly and almost violently I found my gift... Speaking. It wasn't long before I was speaking in front of crowds about your love... But still, I was scared... On the outside I am extremely outgoing and best friends to complete strangers, but deep down... I am very shy and full of worry. Lord you are the only one that truly knows this. So knowing this, I was scared...
During this time, and honestly even today, the Devil throws all he has at me. He tries to convince me that I only speak to bring praise to myself, he tries to remind me of the horrible sins I had committed against you, he tries to remove my faith, but he fails to realize that you are with me... Even through this. The night I did my first sermon, I realized what amazing God given talent I have. Thank you Lord.
After that night, I was convinced in my calling. I went home and changed EVERYTHING! I erased my collection of music (and only you know how hard this was for me) and I dedicated EVERYTHING to you. Lord, this was the beginning of my ministry. This same ministry continues today.
Lord, honestly... You are the majority of what I talk and think about. Lord, you have seriously infected me. You have taken over me. You have given me new Life. And in this new life... I am yours to mold. This type attitude is the driving force behind the Psalms in the bible... And it's amazing that I feel what they felt.
But, as I stated at the beginning of this prayer... Lord I continue to allow something to haunt me. Lord I find myself being haunted by my past sins. These memories surface in my head and brings me down. Lord I have given it up to you so many times... And honestly you have given me a peace. Lord I pray that you give me the strength to once... And for all, get rid of it, because Lord you have forgiven me... Now I must forgive myself.
Lord although I am writing this to you... I also am writing this to my future wife. I love her so much and every day I pray for her. I pray that one day she reads this and gets a better understanding of the man that God created herself for. I pray that she is staying strong. Lord I pray that you let her know that she is beautiful and there will be a day when she has no more heart break. Lord, I am honestly lonely Lord, and I know that she is too. I pray that you satisfy us both Lord. I pray that you mold us Lord... To my beautiful wife, who is out there... Please be patient and know... That the Lord is working on me... For you... and for His glory!
Lord... Thank you. I am yours completely, I trust in you. I have faith in you. Use me for your purpose.